Pushing the limits of my mental health
Past 3 weeks have been crazy. Crazy depressing and stressful, trying to push Geometrify forwards, in a rushed mad man craze feeling of trying to reach a goal of releasing our new demo and crowdfunding campaign on 11.11.15, in order to match with the release of GeoKone on 11.11.11 (ha, that post has 11 comments)
And then realizing all this was just some imaginary deadline we had setup for ourselves, and that our direction is not exactly aligned on what is possible to implement right now. Gah.
I have been driving myself to the limits, drinking too much black tea, coffee, then needing something to calm me down after that, and continuing this vicious cycle until I was completely exhausted and not even remembering who I am anymore. This completely drained me physicall and mentally, and I was ready to give up the whole thing.
But then suddenly, I saw something in the midst of it all ..
A diamond shines in the darkness
In this self developed chaos shit storm, a diamond of perfection shone in the midst of it all:
Looking at it, just observing, and using GeoKone while being in the darkness I could see it more clearly. GeoKone has helped to suppress depression, to channel my self in the darkest moments so many times that I really wish I could somehow bring this program to the masses better. There I was again, creating art with GeoKone, feeling like shit, when suddenly I could see beauty coming out of darkness, forming slowly, reminding me that there is always a solution, even if I’m not seeing it in the middle of all the crap flying around.
Not sure if this can be seen only by travelling to the centre of it all, going through all that chaos around it first, or is there an easier way maybe ? Who knows. I dont know. I can read a thousand books, hear a thousand stories, and none are the one I am travelling. There are no ready answers or solutions to those walking their own path.
I hope I don’t have to do this again ever. So that I might learn when to just keep calm, and focus on the task at hand, and not project into the future to fulfill some deadline that might as well be total bullshit in 2 weeks.
Fail fast, fail often. If you fail at first, try again. These are the mantras repeated in the startup world, and I can see now why. This has been a total surrender trip since 2012 december when I left my dayjob and pursued GeoKone full time.
My psyche has been put to the test, still working alone as programmer on Geometrify. Not having anybody to talk to on the technical aspect daily, not having anybody to wait at the workplace for me, or not anybody to even expect me to be there at time. It can get very depressing.
And still, the comments from people who have tried our first demo (which will be released at some point for the Oculus DK1, hopefully) like “most interesting usage of VR”, or “most deep experience of geometry”, or the mind baffling comment after a private demo “I realized what happens after I die”, these keep me going.
Glimpses to another world
Yeah, somebody saw glimpses of what happens when he dies by just trying our demo.
Think about that for a while. Let it sink in.
The possibilities with this project are endless. And yet, how to communicate this what we are buildling, seems impossible. There are no words to describe it. It slips through the rationality and structure of words. Like a spiritual experience, it is really difficult to share.
And this has been our challenge for the whole time we have been developing Geometrify Experience. How to communicate this to people, when it is really personal, can be meditative, immersive, but can also not be meditative, can just be annoying for minority of people trying it out, or it can be something completely different for each person.
Catching small fish
I think we have been trying to catch a too big of a fish, we now need really to narrow down our grids and focus on something that can be also implemented, and explained, and still utilizing our top of the line geometry engine, which might I say, is getting really nice.
I’m starting to get the hang of C++11 finally, and OpenGL too, so things are starting to look good on the technical side.
Still, no funding, no coding partners, although I have help from many people now, and we are now an officially registered Co-Op in Finland now, so a lot of progress happening also!
I am hopeful to continue working. Fail fast, fail often, get up, grind up, fuck that shit up and show them that following our hearts something truly extraordinary can be achieved!
Now this is inDigiNeous, signing off again!