It’s easy to not talk about certain subjects. Depression is one of those subjects for me. This feeling doesn’t seem to go away, so I want to try writing about it, bringing it out. Maybe that will help. Lure that bastard out into the light.
I’ve lived with depression since I was 14 or 15, so about 20 years for now. At some point, my world started turning dark. I began to experience periods of times in my life I could do almost nothing else than lay down, or just cry and go into this slumber while being awake, laying in my bed just wanting to let go of it all. Slowly this transformed more into periodical states of just feeling depressed, but I still remember clearly those first stages of just laying down and not having the energy to do anything.
The feeling of depression would come without any warning, the day before I could be feeling perfectly fine, fun, even enjoying life, then I wake up and nothing feels good, sorrow fills my whole being, usually accompanied by the immense weight of being crushed under all the feelings I have.
The overwhelming pain of just drowning into sadness, despair, death and the want to leave this place. The ever welcome feeling of being completely alone and that nobody cares. All social interactions become numb, difficult, non-relevant to anything. There is nothing but deep and wide blankness accompanied by not caring about anything or anybody else than just dealing with this state and surviving it.
All expectations from others and myself can go down the drain instantly, I couldn’t care less about finishing or doing something. Even things I feel passionate about, suddenly those don’t matter at all.
This has made it always difficult to go to work, or school, or meet people, as I have no idea any given day if I’m capable of even leaving the house or getting up from bed. Canceling meetings and scheduled appointments used to be a norm for me, and still to a degree is, which can lead to a spiralling feeling of shame for not being able to fullfill my duties.
This is part why I’m writing about this subject, to maybe let those around me see and understand what is happening to a person in depression, and also to share the feelings of what is going on to a person dealing with depression, as this topic isn’t publicly discussed much.
Many times this feeling brings with it deep wanting of to leave this place, to completely be void of any feelings, while paradoxically the emotions seem to be all that exist in this state, taking me with them and ruthlessly dragging me into the bottom of that cold river where I am completely alone in my sorrow, not seeing any solutions to the situation and feeling like being drowned into the abyss of eternal sadness.
Where these emotions come from, there seems not to be any one source, they just come and go as they please, as if they had a life of their own, which makes the situation even more difficult to rationally understand or see how to avoid and how to deal with it.
It took me a long time to even realize I was being depressed. Nobody really talked about depression around me or in the culture I was brought up. The aknowledgement was there that a such thing exists, especially in Finland it’s a big thing, but it wasn’t really talked about.
Maybe it is somehow shameful, a taboo, a sign of weakness to be depressed, so you don’t talk about it, just suck it up and get better and do your work seemed to be the general solution on how to deal with this.
On my own
Nobody can fix depression for you. There is no way. This is how I’ve always felt. Somehow in this state there is no way to trust somebody else. I’ve always felt I have to fix this myself, by myself and with my own ways.
Somehow deep inside me a part had always known that depression medication was not for me, even though my mother many times tried to insist me on taking them, a part of me was very strong in not going down that path, some part of me somehow knows that medicating with these unnatural methods is not good for me.
During these times I had no idea about meditation, mindfulness or nothing that could be considered spiritual, except long distance running, which I only later realized was somewhat of a spiritual practice for me. I was constantly dealing with dark thoughts, thinking about killing myself, leaving this place for good and just wanting to get away
from it all.
Finding a way out
Today I am happy to say that I’ve started to find a way out of my depression, after dealing with it for nearly two decades. I’ve discovered methods of dealing with the feelings, and how to heal myself, and how to re-program my thoughts.
The path has not definitely been easy, it has been one full of pain and unorthodoxical methods of seeking the root causes. I kinda wish somebody had been there for me to teach me, to show me how to do it better, as many of the paths I’ve taken have proven to be difficult and even hindering my progress. And I’ve had many teachers too, so I am thankful for that.
But I am who I am, and I wouldn’t be here without going through all that darkness. I am happy that light has grown immensively inside me during the past years and I’ve finally started to figure out what the root cause for my depression has been.
Mainly it has been doing with trying to adapt to my surroundings, and not being who I really am. I’ve now noticed that this pressure to be like others, and not fitting in, has been a great de-pressive force in my life. I can no longer succumb to the expectations of others, but be more brave, more open, more free, more sensitive, more powerful, more fearless and ultimately more honest to my self, of who I am and what I represent.
It has not been easy, as my true self is something that differs so much from the normal way of things. But I am happy I have found through the act of expression more those who resonate with the same frequency, and hope to find even more those people who express the same energy as I do through the act of opening up and being even more honest and brave.
Methods of healing .. to be continued
The various methods of how I’ve reached this state are something I want to write more about it in the upcoming posts. Consider this posting as a preface for those writings.
Thank you for reading, this was Sakari for now, until later!